“Breakdown of the family. Single mothers. Soft justice. Drugs. Multiculturalism. Welfarism. Educational failure…for 30 years, Britain’s liberal intelligentsia has smashed virtually every social value. In this blistering analysis, Melanie Phillips says we’re now paying the price – HOW THE LIBERALS RUINED BRITAIN.”

Slightly disappointing they couldn’t get house prices in there. Still, surely there’s no way they can top that.

Curse the liberal intelligentsia, curse them to hell!

Sherlock Holmes: Now for the motive. Despite my almost complete lack of practical experience on the subject, I have a rather precise idea of the usefulness of a uterus and a vagina. Nonetheless, once they are separated from their usual envelope, I am more circumspect as to the uses one can make of them. What do you think, Watson?

- Sherlock Holmes vs Jack the Ripper (EU)

Could not make it up if I tried

The tendency in football at the moment is that as long as you’re not a prostitute shagger then it’s OK, it’s no big deal. Wayne’s not very well and it’s a dirty thing for his wife to know he had relations with a prostitute. He was seeing the same bird for seven months… We kick a ball around and we earn 100,000, 200,000 or even 300,000 euros a week. We don’t improve the world. It’s not like we invented hot water. We just kick a ball. But sometimes when these guys go out, you’d think they were rock stars.

I could understand that you wear dark glasses at night time when you do open-heart surgery and save lives, but not if you’re a footballer. I’m not in the same world as most of the people in football. I really don’t like this world. These people didn’t feed me, they didn’t bring me into the world and my life won’t improve by going to a nightclub and drinking loads of champagne.

– Benoit Assou-Ekotto.

We can become accustomed to anything. Well fed, well looked after, but always closely watched, Candide was not utterly disgusted with his condition. Good cheer, and the various amusements offered by Ismael’s slaves, gave him respite from his sorrows. He was unhappy only when he thought: and that is true of the majority of mankind.

- Candide (Voltaire )

Democracy consists of choosing your dictators, after they’ve told you what it is you want to hear.

- Alan Coren

… time travelling is just too dangerous. Better that I devote myself to study the other great mystery of the universe: Women.

– Christopher Lloyd (Doc. Emmett Brown, Back to the Future part 2)

The female is a female by virtue of a certain lack of qualities

- Aristotle

The USA … I completely detest it. It’s the most washed-up shithole I’ve ever been to in my whole life

- Nicky Wire (1992)

Forced carnal knowledge, whatever else it may be, is good physical exercise and represents meaningful variation on normal marital relations. As pleasure, however, it has its limitations. For myself, I was so distracted that night be scratches, bites and screams, and by wondering whether one could be arrested for violating one’s wife (was pinching a felony or a misdemeanor?), that I must warn male readers that although desirable as a tactic, as pleasure one might better employ a quiet night alone with pornography.

- The Dice Man (Luke Rhinehart)

Seduction is the art of making normal, desirable, good and rewarding what had previously seemed abnormal, undesirable, evil and unrewarding. Seduction was the art of changing another’s audience and hence his personality. I refer, of course, to the classical seduction of the ‘innocent’ and not the mutual masturbation of promiscuous adults.

- The Dice Man (Luke Rhinehart)